10/4/21

I am trying.

It seems like I am not, but I am trying so hard.
I’ve been trying so hard for so long, all I want to do is curl up, roll into a hole, and stay there until I cease to be.

I feel that feeling, overwhelmingly, every second of every single day.

When will it not take a herculean amount of effort to brush my teeth?
When will I cease this unending cycle?
When will I want to be, consistently?

When?

Now. I assure myself.
Never. I whisper in my ear.

I’ll wake up tomorrow and keep on trying.
I’ll keep on trying even though it feels like I’m dying.
It feels like I’m dying.

Is it because I do not know how to live?

How frustrating it is to be me, but on the surface I live calm and free.

I’ll get this down eventually, but what will is cost?
Will I find everything I’ve wanted once everything is lost?
There are some prices I am not willing to pay.
I turn away from the night and return to the day.

I welcome me back, an old friend I haven’t seen in years.
I hold me tightly, and fight back my tears.
I don’t know what I need to hear or say,
but the feeling never lasts and it goes away.

I miss me.

I’m not the only one who does.