2/7/26

Do I hate myself so much that I hate existing by proxy?
Every day I am myself, and I exist, ergo, see previous.

This is a very run of the mill rumination when depressed.
I talk about suicide and all the grim painful bits of being human with no filter.
I seek to understand it as well as I can, for I am committed to finding a way out of it.
I’ve blipped out of depression in rare flashes of air that keep me swimming, I want to crawl up on an island, lay on my back, and gasp the air.
The knowledge that there’s an existence possible that isn’t This Reality Smothering Existence.
I tear myself apart, but simultaneously give myself credit. I keep fighting for me, because I know I’m worth fighting for.
I realized it wasn’t the typical worldview when I called into the doctors office to schedule a follow up on my antidepressants.
It’d been 6 months or so, time lost all meaning so I don’t know offhand, and I needed to keep doggedly keeping on the trail.
They ask standard ‘are you depressed’ and ‘are you going to harm yourself’ sorts of range finding surveys when you call in about antidepressants.
I thought they were standard routine for all doctor related visits, but it occurs to me now, this may be because all my visits are related to this.

This is the first time I was asked to stay on hold while the nice person on the other side of the line went to find me a nurse to talk to.

“I know you can’t fully believe someone when they are depressed, talk about killing themselves, and then assuring you that you have nothing to worry about.”
The person on the other side of the line paused. “hahaaaaa” they laugh. “You’re right, can you hold while I find a nurse for you to talk to?”
"I get it, it’s procedure, I’ll wait!" I reassure her and lean back in my desk chair.
”You’ll be here when I get back.” I don’t know if it was a question, command, or them telling themselves.
”Of course.” I am glad they take this seriously, and zone out while waiting on hold.
I chat with a nurse whom I must’ve convinced, because she let me go back to schedule my physical.
Good Drew, Good Job Following Up
and, I’m scheduling a physical, so I think this means I’m a proper adult.
ok don’t get carried away