7/28/21

1 Day, 14 Hours, 29 Minutes, & 58 Seconds

Tomorrow is going to be the acid test, I’m off and I’ll be driving around running errands.
How easy it would be to just… stop somewhere and pick up Just One More.
Isn’t it always Just One More?
Then, I look back and I’ve Just One More’d my way through 700.
I suppose all journeys are one more step, and this is just another step on another journey.

I made an appointment for next Tuesday to look into treatment for ADHD and some antidepressants.
I am operating under the theory that treating my ADHD will take care of the depression.
I think the depression is symptomatic of the smoking and ADHD - getting things on track will sort that out.
Unless the depression is what keeps knocking me off the path.
SHIT.

Stay tuned, I suppose. I don’t have answers at this point.

I took a melatonin and a little wine to send me right to sleep last night in the face of cravings.
I dozed and woke up 20 minutes later to the pungent and unmistakable aroma of One Of The Dogs Should Have Gone Out 30 Minutes Ago.
I set about cleaning up very calmly, and had the matter sorted and back to sleep in minutes.
Just kidding! I seethed and raged internally for a good half hour before I was able to drift off again.
What a delight 2 hours later to wake to the exact same scenario.
Luckily for me, Phillip took care of things while I pressed my face into the pillow and silently screamed for a quick death.

Speaking of which, I was in the middle of getting a rag to go and clean up the residual stain, but ended up here writing about it.
Let’s hear it for distractionary whims.

1 Day, 22 Hours, 24 Minutes, 47 Seconds.
Well. . . I still haven’t scrubbed at that stain, but I did hose down the backyard stairs.
How did I get to there from going to grab a rag? Good question. I’m not sure.
It’s a common theme in my life.
The other day, I went downstairs to grab the vacuum to clean the rug, and I ended up shaving.
The entire time I’m shaving, I’m talking to myself. “What am I doing? I need to get the vacuum. Why am I shaving? THE VACUUM. DREW. GET THE VACUUM.”
To that voice, I calmly say. “I’ll get it after I’m done shaving.”
So I get done shaving, grab the vacuum, and end up in the front lawn watering plants.
This happens a few times, I set out to do Task A, and end up doing Tasks C, E, F, G, I, O, P, Z, and THEN I get to start on A.

Maybe I’ll get to that stain next time I set out to do it, or maybe, I’ll spot a bit of dirt on a window and end up scrubbing them all down.

1 Day, 23 Hours, 54 Minutes, & 59 Seconds

5 more minutes, and I’ll have made it two days.
I made it to two days today, I’ll say on my way to the deck.
Next round I’ll make it to two for you, and then to three for me.
Baby steps.
Baby steps.
How would a baby quit smoking?

I reckon it wouldn’t start in the first place, I can’t imagine a baby enjoying this shit.
Hello.
It’s me, baby, and I be enjoyin this shit.
No I don’t.
Arguing with myself isn’t a good look.
Invalidating myself without an argument is an even worse one.
. . . touche.

2 Days, 0 Hours, 1 Minute, 4 Seconds.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.




Until I’m suddenly not.