9/26/21

Tired of pretending to be glad

Tired of always feeling so sad

Logically, I can comprehend I have so much reason for joy

Emotionally I am stuck as as sad, lonely, little boy.

What can I do to fix this?
I find myself bent sideways, bemused, thinking “Is THIS rock bottom? Is THIS it?”
- because I am on the constant hunt for the incremental and upward trend.
The feeling of realization that my life is on the mend.

From the outside, it doesn’t really seem that broken.
That’s because it’s not.

I am.

I can’t stop smoking.
I can’t stop drinking.

”This must be proper shit for you” I think, as I am a proper motherfucker day in and out.
It sounds so callous and cold, and I can’t tell if it is, or it’s what I am creating in order to fulfill the narrative I am spinning.

I am not shitty, but I seem like I am.