9/5/21

4/27/19 - I had a conversation with my mother, she confirmed my father isn’t my father.
Following this was a continual downward spiral, I had a crisis of self identity that persists to this day.

I ache to share this information with my siblings, but how? Why?
They are effectively strangers at this point, why do I want to reveal this innermost secret to them?
To hurt my mother in retaliation for hurting me?

I suspect, in part, this is true.
I have withheld this information from them until I can get to a place where the sharing isn’t motivated by malice in the slightest.
I don’t know when that will be.

Who is the best to lead with, I wonder?

What is the best way to deliver the message? 

Is there a best way?

All I can do is show up, authentically, and see how the chips fall. Elsewise, I am trying too had to control the variables that are completely outside of my control.

Do I craft a ‘perfect message’ to send? 

Do I say ‘Just The Right Thing?’

I don’t know.

It’s been 2 years and I still don’t know.

It weighs on me day in and day out, but nothing takes the weight off.

Drinking does not work. 

Smoking does not work. 

Everything I try is temporary and a distraction.

I have to tell them.

I want to tell them. 

I cannot build a relationship on shaky ground. 

I grit my teeth and jump, I hope the water is warm, but I know it will be wet regardless of temperature.

The only way to jump off a cliff is to take 3 steps and leap.
Gravity will solve all the misgivings you had along the way.

Trust.

Trust.

Trust.

I must.