This Is Who I Am

When I left, I had a plan. These feelings and thoughts have plagued me my entire life. It’s been hell to fight them, crush them, hide them, beat them.

I’d acted on them before, and they never went away. So I came up with a plan.

I’ll do this for a bit, and get my fill, then come back and keep them locked down.
A sort of bargain plan, I do this, then I get to have my Perfect Life.

The plan fell apart immediately. I thought of it like a door, I could walk through it, and then come back when I’d finished.
I didn’t realize the door was going to disappear. It never was a door, it was simply entering the world. There’s no door when you’re born.
Well, there is, but, don’t try to go back through it. Please. Do not do it.

Instead of walking out the door, and then back to my life, I walked straight into my Perfect Life.
This is who I am. I think about who I was, and hold tight to every glittering memory I can recall.
I remember new ones, and they add to the already trickling fingers I hold wrapped in the front of my shirt.
I hold it up, the underside dangerously close to tearing. I need to write these down so I don’t lose them.
I need to write these down so I don’t lose myself. My past is a wonderful, essential, exquisite delight to cultivate into a greenhouse of memory.

I’ve got my gardening gloves on, trowel by my side, and a steady stream of bullshit on tap.

This is who I am, and who I am is going to keep on growing.

Love,

Drewski