8/3/21

I was prescribed antidepressants today, so I’m headed up the immense hill that starts this roller coaster ride.
I don’t know what it’s going to be like, not feeling this way.
Not feeling all this Not Feeling, will burst when all these feelings rush in to be felt?

Will I be outraged about the hand I’ve been dealt?

No.
I take every card I am given and play it to the best of my ability, or to have fun.

Ok, not initially. I had to process my way through the outrage after clawing my way out of denial
you’re so dramatic
There’s a whole spectrum to this emotion thing, and I still don’t really get it.
I feel things and wonder if it’s wrong to feel them.
I don’t feel things and wonder if it’s wrong that I’m not.
I am curious about everything, with little regard to boundaries. Sometimes.

I suspect it is because I have none for myself oh wait a fuckin minute has it really been staring me in the face this whole time?
Do I feel out of control because I don’t set boundaries?
I don’t feel like I had that many as a kid.

I get distracted and 4 hours later, I’ve come back to pick up the threads.
The website crashes and I screen grab the text.
I spend a half hour trying to get some free online sites to do it, but they don’t work.

So I give up for a few more hours.

I pull up the photo again and sigh.

Time to start typing.
If I want it done, I have to do it.
I can’t always rely on shortcuts.
I have to do the work.

So I will.

What’s that sound?

I’m not sure.

Anyway - Zoloft.
I feel like a certain stereotype of Zoloft user and wince at the stigma I carry.
Cast it off.
Good job re-typing this. Keep that promise to myself.

Build the trust so the trust can build you.