9/20/21

Soundtrack : Are You Bored - Retrofuture

I feel most lost when not my self, and I can’t find me without all of my help.
I know how to help others, but I can see them.
I don’t see myself.
I don’t accept myself?
I’m not authentic to myself, but I am to others.

I’m not running from who I am, I’m running from who I was?

I’m running back to who I was.

Who I was is who I isn’t.

The only person I can be is me, but ?I don’t know how to be.

I realized I don’t draw much because an art teacher said I’d never be an artist or actually drawing if I traced outlines.
That’s pretty shitty that I’ve held onto that, because I can do fine detail well, but prefer to trace the outline of the object exactly.
It saves me time but I don’t invest the effort, already holding the end product to Not Be Art.

Well, I don’t give a shit about that now, so I’m going to get my draw on.
I haven’t been living as me, and I don’t see the draw to Drew because

If I’m not drawing than I never Drew.

I’m going to have to look back at previous posts and I know I’ll see me making the same promises to myself that I end up breaking.

I’m making and breaking promises to myself because that’s the love I know.

I grew up sipping from a bitter mug of disappointment, and I’ve now acquired a taste.
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’ll try to be the way the people are to me, to myself.

I’m going to set aside half an hour a day to write, start small and start chipping.

Keep on swimming, keep on swimming, keep on swimming, shit I need to breathe.