9/8/21

I had a dream last night, it’s one that re-occurs every so often.
The aggressors fluctuate, the reasons and seasons do as well, but the theme is always the same.

Someone drops a nuke on Seattle (and perhaps several others nearby)
I am not with the people I care about, and am frantically trying to get to them before the bomb turns everything to ash.
I wake up sweating and can’t fall back asleep. I toss and turn, mulling over all the things I didn’t say in the dream.

I don’t say the things in real life either, and it weighs on me.
These things need to be said, they do a disservice to those that I want to hear them if I keep them to myself.

To the people that have faded out of my life and left wispy wraiths behind in my heart.
To all the people who have a similar ghost that is shaped like me in their hearts.
To all the people that wondered.
To all the people with questions that beat at their ribcage and wail for answers.

I’m sorry you are gone.
I’m sorry that I’m gone.
I’m sorry I couldn’t open myself up to share exactly how much you matter.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to reach out my hand and hold yours, helping those questions come out and helping you deal with any of the emotions that come with them.
I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you, both directly and by proxy.

I have never intended to hurt anyone, but I have purposefully turned my head away from the obvious impact and pain I have created in my desperate attempt to avoid my own.

I’m sorry.

I loved you then, and I love you now.
You matter so much I can’t find the words to describe it, and I can’t put my finger on the flavor that lingers.
You mattered so much I didn’t think I deserved you.
The inverse is that I mattered so little I didn’t think I would be missed.

I’m sorry.

I have so many wonderful memories with so many wonderful people.
Prismatic splashes of color that dance on the walls of my heart.

Sitting on the roof and taking selfies at Twilight while everyone else worked.
Family functions that were bursting at the seams with humor and love.
Chasing conversations around a bonfire by the river, running away from smoke.
Folded over the fenders, elbows deep in engine.
LAN Parties all night, working as a team to crush the enemy.
2 Windows down, 60 MPH, and Marlboro Red cigarettes.
5 GOOOLDEN RIIIIIIIIINGS 4callingbirds3frenchhens2turtledovesANDAPARTRIDGEINAPEARTREEEEEE
The hustle and bustle of daily life
Sneaking out to go sit around with friends that did the same.
Running from the cops after inadvertently breaking into a church school.
Stealing shingles off the roof
Jumping off cliffs and bridges into freezing water
Flirting with girls across the aisle
Arguing over if I ought to date someone you thought was right for me.
Cutting out of church early to get to Taco Bell before the rush
Pulling all nighters to co-op the Halo series on Legendary
Jumping out of the trees onto the trampoline
Driving reckless as hell on the back roads
Learning how to drive clutch at 4 AM on the way back from sneaking out
Wednesday bake nights, severely underestimating how long Cinnamon rolls take to make.
Every get to and gathering, laughing and smoking until our chests hurt from too much of both.
Driving past the gravel lot and Fred Meyers, too shy to just show up, but wanting so badly to be included.
Helping cook and bake, your effortless maneuvering about the kitchen leaving the smell of butter, flour, and love.
Fighting over making Dad his pot of coffee when he got home from work
Burying myself in the fresh laundry out of the dryer and taking a nap.
Shouting everything across the house or up the fireplace vent.
Doing a pull up every time I passed the bar.
Laying in the grass in the summer listening to old time radio shows on tape
What’d you expect? Ghost riders in the skyyyyy?
Taking the yearly photos while I was dying of blood poisoning.
Me no am been woman.
Being afraid to go into the basement because opossums and their needle sharp teeth.
Clambering up the big tree to sit in the fort, over the years it was slowly reclaimed and became a part of it
Late night trains cutting through the summer frogs in the bottoms.
Being so amazed at everything you did, you made it look so easy.
Walking to school half asleep, cutting through the field and sitting in wet socks all day from the morning dew.
Sleeping on the trampoline, making Jello, and eating it before Mom woke up
You fell asleep on the couch after getting your first job, eating wheat thins.
The sense of dangerous thrill that hummed whenever I went into your room.
Pillow forts and bunk beds
Playing Mean Teacher to clean
Falling asleep in church with my head on your lap while you stroked my hair.
motha fuckin WAFFLE BLOCKS
Countless hours spent playing tag in Lego Racers 2
Finding workarounds to play the computer, posting a lookout to watch for Mom and Dad getting home.
Biking and walking to Bird Boys, Eager Beaver, and Big Deals
Wiling away hours at the library, reading comics and books.
The school was our personal playground, and we had fun exploring all the areas that no one else did.
Playing corners in the car, throwing our whole bodies into it.
Selling lilac bundles to fund the pool fund every spring
Looking forward to every tomorrow and the fresh adventures it promised.
Trying to carry milkshakes home while biking and crashing, you went and bought me a replacement.

So much joy.
So much sorrow.
So much delight.
So much hurt.
So much love.
So much pain.

I drank in life, I knew early on that it had an expiration date.
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk about it.
I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you.

I do not regret any of it.
I’m glad I got to experience every minute, and I reflect on it often.

I loved you fiercely then, and love you fiercely now.
A love that never fades, even the memory does.
Time sun bleaches the image and blurs the lines.

You helped shape me into who I am, thank you for your influence and impact.

Thank you for you.
Thank you.