Day Two, how did I do?
14 Hours, 4 Minutes, 14 Seconds.
My mind is buzzing with an undercurrent of craving,
It’s quite distracting. I try to focus, something I’m already bad at, and fail successfully.
I haven’t had rice krispie treats in ages, I have the marshmallows.
I have work I need to be doing, but I can’t turn the wheel.
I rest my head against the window and watch the exist blur by.
The engine roars, and I am pressed into the seat.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m getting there quite fast.
14 Hours, 7 Minutes, 35 Seconds.
I contemplate dropping the timer, it’s only a blaring reminder of my imminent failure.
I know I’m going to smoke tonight, for I have some stash left to smoke.
If it’s not around, then I don’t have the need to toke.
Phillip takes it with him each day, fighting the temptation all day is distracting and exhausting.
It’s relatively easy NOT to when I have no car, no cash on hand, or the energy to surmount the effort it would take to acquire it.
It’s a win in some direction, but I’m too foggy headed to see it.
LAND HO shouts the man at the top of the mast.
His voice cuts through the fog that slips and slides across the deck of the boat.
I wonder what it’s like to sit in the crows nest.
Do they sit there all day?
Do they take shifts, like taking watch at night?
I’ve heard it’s dizzying, and the ship looks tiny.
My palms sweat a little while I type, heights are… a mixed bag for me.
I love the view, and enjoy the perspective.
I don’t enjoy the compulsion that comes hand in hand with great heights.
It whispers between thoughts, until it turns to an internal war.
Wow, what an incredible view!
I can see so far, the trees are tiny, and look at the way the land jump is shaped by the river over there
only a few steps and we’d be whistling towards being done
I step forward to jump off the edge get a better look.
or make it easier to jump it would be so easy
I delight in the closeness of death details etched into the Earth
two steps and I’d be etched into the Earth as well
I’m not fucking jumping, I don’t want to live that anymore
This isn’t about what you want, it’s what I want and I say JUMP
Why am I walking so funny? It’s like I’m on tip toe.
yes yes yes jump do it jump jump yes
I stutter step towards the edge and I feel my calves bunch up in anticipation.
so close so close I can feel the relief of not suffering is so close just do it
I stop dead in my tracks, and feel a strange sort of ill. It clings to me still, a thick oil on the skin.
I’m gauging the effort needed to hop over the retaining wall.
C’mon, it will only be a few seconds, and then all your problems… aren’t.
All my problems won’t be, but all my love will go with it.
I turn and take stiff legged steps back to the car. I don’t look back at the canyon, but it’s all I can see.
I open up in a flood in the car, I tell Phillip how close I came to not being.
I tell him I’ll lose my free will before I lose my life.
I swear I’ll tell him before it gets this bad again.
I’m not going anywhere.
neither am I
What if I sit down and talk to you, the voice that wants to stop.
If I look it in the eye, will the pressure drop?
you’re worried it’ll get worse if you do,
but you know denial doesn’t solve the issue
14 Hours, 22 Minutes, 23 Seconds.
I want to find my voice, but I don’t know where I left it.
I scour my past with desperation, I want to find my self.
I don’t know if I was swept under the rug, or set out of sight on a shelf.
14 Hours, 36 Minutes, 46 Seconds.
I’m going to find something to do that’s NOT staring at this bloody counter with obsessive regularity.
Activity Of Avoidance is TBD at this point, but I’ll pick a direction and I know I’ll come across something.
15 Hours, 57 Minutes, 38 Seconds.
I made an open face egg / hot sauce / cream cheese toasted bagel.
I don’t feel hunger pangs much. I know I’m getting sober when I start to get them again.
I painted a swatch of color in the kitchen, I’ll see if it goes well with the existing color when it’s dried.
Hopefully it looks good, because I don’t want to paint over it.
It’s a golden yellow, like the color of twilight falling across the land as the sun tucks itself in.
I have a meeting here shortly, and I’ll be wrapped up in another right afterwards.
This is good, it keeps me from thinking about how badly I’d like to smoke, though at this point, I don’t.
I know I’m going to smoke later, so I can be patient for now.
If I don’t feed the beast later though?
IMPATIENCE.
