Day One point I’m Not Sure

13 hours, 33 minutes, 22 seconds since the last smoke.

13 hours, 33 minutes, 39 seconds since I last smoked.

How long since I started? How long have I smoked for?

I first started smoking cigarettes around 14 or 15, I think? I remember taking my first drag on the sun baked asphalt of a very small town, walking with and belonging with my friends. We smoked together, and we stuck together. Smoking was the common social tie that bound us.

Emotional maturity takes -
Communication
Vulnerability
Trust

Hmm. . . CVT?

Continuously
Variable
Transmission

17 hours, 27 minutes, 35 seconds since the last smoke.

The hours between 10 and 16 tend to be the hardest for me, I’ve quit enough times to be excruciatingly familiar with the process.

21 hours, 54 minutes, 35 seconds

Lost myself in work today, I find that as the haze lifts, I feel more invigorated and more like myself.

This is good, this is what I want.

It’s hard for me to focus and get the words out on the page because I know I’m going to end up smoking here shortly.

I made it through 21 hours, 55 minutes, and 11 seconds so far.

I don’t know when my exact timer will stop, but it will.

Next time it’ll be longer.

and longer. . .

and longer still.

I’ve only failed if I stop trying, and I’ve been trying since I first lit the match.

39 minutes and 7 seconds.

55 Minutes and 16 seconds.

You have to swing big to win big, I think to myself.
You have to hit home runs to win? Sure, they help, but you don’t HAVE to hit them to win big.
Why, just look at ole… ah… Baseball Guy. They did the thing where they didn’t swing big and won big.
They can do it, and so can YOU!

I peruse job postings without doubt, and wonder at the possibilities.
I have knowledge and talents, look at all these companies looking for a hot barely unemployed body in MY area!

Squarespace has formatting I don’t quite prefer, I would like to be able to space things out better, or with some semblance of order.

Just like the thoughts in my head, the gaps are frequent and fast. Don’t stop to look or you’ll get caught up in the past!

I realized something profound on the porch and it was like I poured back into my skin.
The first time I ever smoked, there was a deafening pounding in my ears. It was my heartbeat, pounding and crashing, giving my mind quite a thrashing.
I sat back in my body, and my viewpoint shrank. The pounding is my fists and I’m desperate to get out. I’m rattling the door, really giving it the what for.
Today, when I smoked, I sat up in my body. My viewpoint grew and I was back in the drivers seat.

This is the feeling I’m chasing with the constant smoking, but I’m paddling up the stream against the current.
If I quit, I’ll get there, but if I stop paddling, what if I am carried away?

Well, I’ll learn how to fuckin swim.

1 Hour, 4 Minutes, 8 Seconds.

It’s really easy so far. :)

1 Hour, 55 minutes, 43 seconds.

Hmm. I see my old friend craving is back to knocking at my door. It’s at this point that I would usually smoke some more.

7 Minutes, 54 Seconds.

Here I Go, Again On My Own, Down The Only Road I’ve Ever Known

That’s not true, don’t you see, this is a sort of fallacy.

Every road comes from another.
That means if this road is rocky, I will get onto smooth streets again.