Choices Made, Prices Paid

This is going to be messy, it’s going to be missing gaps and skipping bits.
It’s going to be rough, it’s going to be ragged.
It’s going to make some sense, no sense, all sense.
It’s going to be all over the place.

I had a conversation with someone near and dear to my heart.

They equated being gay and my husband being included in social gatherings to them bringing heroin over and doing it in front of my kids.
(I don’t have kids, but the metaphor is there anyway)

That hurts.
No one is actively reaching out to get and understand my side of the story.
No one is seeking to build the relationship.
No one is trying to keep me in their life because they do not want ME in their life.
They want a version of me that they are comfortable with.

They were giving a distinctly angry impression, that I demanded they be the way I want so I can feel accepted.
I don’t demand that.
I don’t give a upright or horizontal fuck about the way they are.
I give every sort of fuck about the way they treat me.
I’ve realized, I don’t want acceptance, I want equality.
I don’t have that here.

You said ‘it would be the same treatment if you were shaking up with a GF’ to which I thought ‘that’s a load of shit’
Growing up, siblings brought their dating partners around and it was fine.
Growing up, they brought their spouses around and it was fine.
It is not fine if I do the exact same thing.
That’s not equality.
That is drawing out an exact shape that I am allowed to exist in their presence as.
Outside the lines? Nope. Not welcome here.

Why do I think that it stems from your issue with me being gay?
Because it all started when I came out

Before coming out = Great
After coming out = Not Great

The math seems simple.
I voice that I have an issue with your issue, but am informed that the issue is really my issue.
If I didn’t have an issue with your issue, then there would be no issue!
If you didn’t have a problem with me punching you in the teeth, then we’d have no problem!

Except I keep getting punched in the teeth.

Why do I continually pursue this relationship when it delivers consistent hurt?
Because I remember when it didn’t.
I remember when it was lovely.
I remember when it was great.

Could I show up in the capacity you will allow?
Certainly.
Would it cost me anything?
Yes.
Would I ask you to feel awful to be around me?
No.
If you told me ‘I feel awful around you because XYZ’ then I would seek to change those things.
It seems entirely within your power to open the gates, but you are holding them closed.

The onus of your issue with me, is put upon me, which is a deliciously bizarre twist.
Not only is the problem between us coming from you, it is framed as if it’s my fault.
If I would just be XYZ, then you could love me.
That’s love?
That’s conditional love.
That’s not love.
Love is unconditional.

How’s this for a hot take?
You think you do love me, because you are loving as you have learned your God loves.
With exacting conditions.

You MUST be THIS way in order to be worthy of love.
That’s fucked up.

Do you think that if I actually loved you, I would change to fit the way you want me to?
That. Is. Not. Love.

Love is not asking or expecting someone to change for you to deem them worthy of love.
Love is looking at someone in totality, and then loving them.

You said that I was just trying to convince myself.
No. I am trying to convince you, as I have believed exactly what you believe, and found my way to the truth.
I am ‘convincing’ you, in that I want to lay out exactly the steps and experiences that lead me here.

Maybe we are at an impasse and we will never reach the middle ground.
Maybe we will change drastically and fundamentally reshape our relationship.
Maybe.

The choice is up to us.
I want to build that equitable relationship.
I’m already there, I’m willing.
I’m waiting.
I’ll keep waiting, perhaps forever, but I will keep waiting.

If you’re still with me, I’m going to stress in ‘absolute truths’

It is not a choice, it is not an addiction, it is not an abomination in the eyes of God.
It is not the downfall of society, the visceral moral gutting of life.
It is none of the awful things you think that it is.
I cannot ‘just not act on it’ or ‘make a different choice’
If you can step out of your experience and into mine, it’ll make sense.
I can do it for you, but you cannot do it for me.
That is not equality.
That is not unconditional.
It is a dreadful self imposed restriction you are implementing.
You are choosing the belief that cuts me out of your life.
I didn’t choose it.
I’m not choosing to act on it.
To tell me otherwise, is to invalidate my experience and reality.
To believe otherwise is to ignore me alltogether.
To expect otherwise is to manufacture a role in your life I am allowed to play.
That is not love.